Humour Of The Post Office.

HUMOUR OF THE POST OFFICE .

( Continued from page 106 ) . TOWARDS the latter end of the year 1893 , a curious case concerning the ownership of letters in the Post Office occurred in California . A lady wrote to her lover , stamping the letter for special delivery , and writing on the outside of the envelope , " Do not deliver to anyone except the person addressed , and him only in person . " This seemed rather odd to the receiving postmaster , but he acted accordingly , and as the gentleman was absent and

undiscoverable , the letter was returned to the sending office , where it remained uncalled for by the writer . One day the lady who posted the letter met the gentleman to whom it was directed , by appointment , and they had a lovers' quarrel , which ended in the lady shooting the gentleman dead . Hearing of the letter , the relations of the deceased sought to obtain possession of it , as it was still in the custody of the post office to which it had been returned , but the postmaster had refused to give it' up , and the case was

referred to the head postal authorities at Washington . The lady claimed that she shot her lover in self-defence . The relatives of the latter believed that the letter contained threats to kill , and would thus serve to convict her of murder , other evidence of premeditation not being in existence . After due deliberation , and a reference to legal authorities , the postal authorities at

Washington ordered the letter to be delivered to the lady or her authorised representative . This was done , and no one will know the contents of the missive which was so tenderly cared for at the request of the sender . The prosecution had to manage without the incriminating evidence which the deceased gentleman ' s friends fancied the letter contained , and we believe the prisoner got off very lightly .

Applications on the most varied subjects are frequently made to the Post Office by persons both at home and abroad , and the following are specimens of these . The first is addressed to fche " Manager of the Dead Office , Post Office , London : —Sir , —I have just been hearing of 3 men that was drowned about nine months ago . I hear there was one of tho men went under the name of John . Could the manager of the office give any particulars about that man , what he was like , or if there was such a name , or if he had any friend . He just went amissing about that time . I here enclose a stamp and address to , & c . "

" To the General Post Office , London . —I write these fue lines to ask you if you would be so kind as to teel me if there is such a person living in england . She was living at Birmingham last Rtimmas—this is mi sister and brother-in-law—they hant in Birmingham now—let this letter go to every general post office there is . "

" To the Edetior of the General Post Office , London . —Will you please oblige Susannah , and Walter , with the particulars of an aspecial licence to get married—is it possible for you to forward one to us without either of us coming to you—if you inclose the charge and have it returned , would we get one before next Monday week to get married at If you will kindly send by return to the address inclosed the particulars we should feel greatly obliged . "

" United States . My dear Sir , —Will you do me the kind favour , as you are the Postmaster and able to know as I judge of . It is this , give to me the full name and address of any Mac ; — that you know of in England , or in Scotland , or Ireland , or Wales , or in India , or at or in any other country that you may know of , with their full names and correct addresses , so that I can write to them myself . If you have any list , or book , or pamphlet , with the names of the parties who have died and left money or lands to their heirs-at-law , or by will legacy left to their heirs , as I want such information , & c . "

" To his most honoured sir the postmaster of London , England . " " — Kent . Sir , —Will you please inform me if there will be a Baby show this year at Woolwich ; if so where is it to be holden , and what day . I have enclosed stamp . "

Not long ago the Postmaster of Newhaven received a letter with an enclosure from Ohio . The superscription was— " Please hand the enclosed unopened to the most beautiful and intelligent young lady in Newhaven , of from 18 to 24 years old . " It is not recorded , however , that the most beautiful and intelligent young lady of the southern harbour ever called for the missive .

One of the clerks at a Greenock telegraph office was requested by an elderly lady to write out and despatch a message , stating her intention not to return home until the next morning , handing him at the same time the key of her domicile . She explained that it was to be sent with the message , otherwise the lodgers could not get into the house , but as it was pointed out to her that the key could not be forwarded , she refused to have the message despatched .

The following has been termed the gem of the comic chapter of the Postmaster-General ' s annual work . It is a letter from a young lady in the United States . She writes that she attends the high school at a " pictorest " town , is the daughter of a father who is well off in worldly goods , and lives in a pretty country of " wide rolling prairies interspersed with fine forests . " Then she bursts into a poetic rapture which certainly has a borrowed look .

" There is a stream of water running through our land—a stream so softly and peacefully wild that it looks as though nature had just made it , and laid down his pen and smiled . " But this young lady of thirteen , as she calls herself , " has an eye to the main chance . Her object in writing is that Mr . Postmaster should inform her ' about that fortune ' she expects from a great uncle , great aunt , or somebody . ' It is about half a million , either on my father's or my mother ' s side . ' "

A depositor in the Post Office Savings Bank wrote to the department as follows * . — " Having lost my parents I ara desirous of taking a housekeeper ' s situation where a domestic is kept ; must be a Dissenting family , Baptist preferred . Thinking such a case might come under your notice , I have therefore taken the liberty of sending to you . "

A timorous depositor , fearing that some person might withdraw money from his account , offered to send his likeness to be used for identifying him . and then made the following curious request : — "There are some little articles I would like to get from Loudon , and one of them is some natural leaf of tobacco , which I would be glad if you sent me an ounce of and charge

me for it—it is only to be bought in the largest tobacco stores . " In another case a woman forwarded her will , and requested to be informed whether it was " correct in case of death , " and a Ventnor official was once filled with amazement when desired by an English lady to take care of her poodle while she attended the service of an Isle of Wight church . " There was at the beginning of the present century a Scotch firm in Liverpool trading under the name of " Maclver , Mac Vicar , and Mac

Humour Of The Post Office.

Corquodale . " A correspondent not knowing exactly how to write it , addressed them simply " The Three Mac ' s of Liverpool , " and the letter was duly delivered . About fifty years ago a letter reached Paris addressed " To the greatest poet of the century , " when the postal authorities decided to deliver it to Victor Hugo . Hugo at once sent it to Mons A . de Lamartine , who returned it to Hugo . The latter , however , persisted iu his refusal to accept delivery of it , and it is not recorded how the matter was determined .

A few years ago the postal authorities of Vienna were startled by the receipt of a letter which was addressed to Her Royal and Imperial Highness , Maria Theresa—who died in 1780 . " The letter , " adds the narrator , " might have been written by Rip Van Winkle , and was a hundred years too late . " It was returned to the address of the sender marked " dead . " This reminds me of an incident , which although not strictly a postal story , is too good to lose sight of . It was published in the " Daily Telegraph " during the month

of June 1896 . " With reference to the fire which took place fche other day at the Conservative Club at Brentford , located in the house once occupied by Nell Gwynne , a member of the Committee writes : — ' Apropos of your paragraph with respect to Nell Gvvynne's house at Brentford , we have received a letter from an enterprising firm of valuers for insurance , addressed ' Miss Gwynne , Brent House , Brentford . ' Comment is needless . ' It is to be feared that even the Dead Letter Office is too young to know anything of poor Nell's real habitation . "

The usual endorsement of the Post Office , " Gone—no address , " possesses a grim humour when it turns out that the addressee is dead ( and this has often occurred in our experience ) . We know of one case where a recently bereaved lady—of a singularly religious turn of mind—was very much aggrieved when a letter addressed to her husband and so marked was brought to her notice , as she felt sure there was not the shadow of a doubt that her husband had gone to the realms of bliss , and she took the usual postal notification as a libel .

Hans Schliessmann , the well-known Vienna caricaturist , once sent halfa-dozen letters to artists and authors of his acquaintance , writing on the envelope only " Herr " ( Mr . ) , and then adding a tiny sketch of the person in question , and the designation of the quarter of the town in which he lived . All the letters arrived without delay , " giving a brilliant testimony to Schliessmann ' s art as a caricaturist , and to fche alertness of the Post Office staff . "

The machinery of the Post Office is so nicely adjusted that only on rare occasions does the work become congested , and it is certainly laughable when the cause can be traced to so remarkably simple a circumstance as that which went the round of the papers on 24 th July 1897 . It is as follows : — " An unusual sight was witnessed at Cranbrook , in Kent , on Thursday last week . A swarm of bees settled on a postal pillar box at Frizly , and soon afterwards a second swarm located themselves inside the box , the whole

colony following the queen through the aperture provided for letters . Preparations were made for the capture of the swarm upon the arrival of the rural postman to clear the letters , but owing to the awkard position of the winged visitors , it was found impossible to hive the bees until night , when they were smoked and then housed . Owing to this unusual incident , the letters posted before the bees took possession of the pillar box were delayed for several hours . " " The Book of Rarities , " by Edward Roberts , P . M .

An Escape Through Masonry.

AN ESCAPE THROUGH MASONRY .

rPIHE following is given in the " Scottish American " : — I It is frequently asked has Masonry in our time any practical results ofcher than social and charitable ones , and do instances occur where the last cry of distress of a Master Mason , which can never be disregarded , has saved from death ? We will relate one instance of such an occurrence as given to us in detail by a man whom it might truthfully be said , " There is but a step between me and death . " Captain Archibald M'Allister , one of the heartiest

and dearest old souls that ever sailed a ship , told the story late one winter ' s night in the early sixties , sitting in the Star Inn , South Beach Street , Stornoway ( the capital of the Scottish Hebrides ) , as we passed an hour waiting for the incoming of the Scottish steamer Clansman , whose lights were sighted away back of the Arnish headland . Laying down his pipe and taking a long pull at a mug of ale , Captain Archibald ' s tale was substantially as follows : —

" In the autumn of 1857 I left Liverpool in command of the British ship John Peel , classed Al at Lloyd ' s , with a valuable cargo of Manchester and Sheffield goods consigned to Clark , McKinnon , McKenzie and Co ., Manila . I had commanded several ships for the same firm , but this was my first voyage on the John Peel . I had done most of my cruising in the Chinese seas

running back and forward from Hong Kong fco different ports in the Philippines , bringing back native products aud making an occasional voyage back to Liverpool for fresh home supplies . The trade was a very lucrative one , the firm owning the ships having a house in Hong Kong as well as at Manila .

"Everything seemed to turn to money in those days , and I grew comparatively rich myself . Attacks from Chinese and Malay pirates were not uncommon , and other piratical adventurers also infested these seas , although largely held in check , and finally weeded out . We had no fear of them , having hitherto escaped chase or capture . You remember the John Peel foundered in a collision on that first trip of mine , but myself and all the

crew were rescued and brought into Hong Kong by an English steamer . There was an investigation there , but although I was completely freed from blame the owners seemed to reflect on me , and I immediately retired from the service . Having a good bank account at this time , I secured funds from home through the London and Shanghai Bank , and purchased a smal serviceable craft , with a full cargo of goods on board , very similar to those I had on the John Peel , which was being sold by ' Authority of Justice . '

" I took my old crew back and added a Chinese cook , and after getting everything ship-shape , sailed away to do some trading in the smaller Philippine Islands . We took plenty of grub with us , and were well armed . One night off the coast of Luzon a pirate , sheltered behind an irregular promontory , bore down upon us , and before we knew where we were , although we put up as stiff a fight as we could , were boarded and captured . The

p irates were terrible-looking ruffians—Malays with a strain of white blood . After having got everything off thoir prize thoy could carry they put myself and all my men in irons , took the poor Chinese cook by his pig-tail and cut his head off , throwing body and head overboard to the sharks , and then scuttled my little Grace Darling . Perhaps the reason thoy put us on board their own vessel was that we fought bravely , and they thought we deserved a