Teutonic Humour.

TEUTONIC HUMOUR .

I IMAGINE the following sketches will prove conclusively the . possession of a rich fund of humour by those people who claim as their birthplace that country which a poet has thus described : " Germany—the land that produces a Kant with a K , And many a cant with a 0 ; Where Hegel taught to his profit and fame , That something and nothing were one and the same . "

EGOTISM . —The German in the story which I shall now relate illustrates a curious instance of egotism : Stranger : "Are there any Dutchmen in this neighbourhood ? " The answer of the interrogated was , " Yes , dere ish von ; but you don'd knows it iv somebody don'd told you ! Now , vat you tinks I ish ? " " Oh , an American , of course 1 " ( sarcastically ) . "Ha-ha-ha , no , you vas mishtooken . I fools more as a hundert tousan' bebles dot vay ! I beesh a Sherman ! "

FOWL FRENCH . —There was a restaurant , in New York which French people were in the habit of frequenting . The proprietor—a good-natured German—had a sign over the door which read , " French spoken here . " On one occasion a customer accosted him in French , when he exclaimed— " Vot is dose vords you is s-ipeaking ? Vy don'd you sometimes shpeak English ? " " But I thought you spoke French ? " said the customer . " Your sign says , 'French spoken hero . ' " " Yas , dot is all right . Der Frenchmans vot come here , dey shpeaks French shust like so many hens . "

A ScBPTrn . —Mr . Sol Smith Itussell tells a droll story of a German , Schnelgarten by name , who had evidently heard Cicero ' s joke on Fabia Dolabella ' s wife , who was always thirty . " Let me see , Sol , " queried the German , " you und me vas aboud the same ago , aind it ? How old vos you anyway ? " "I am thirty-seven years old , " replied Mr . Russell . " Ach , gome now ! Dot vas a choke 1 " insisted Schnelgarten , smiling sceptically . "No , " protested Mr . Bussell , "I was born in 1848 " " In eighteen fordyeighd , eh ? " cried Schnelgarten . "Getoudl I gatch you now 1 You told me dot ten years ago I "

WJSA . TBKI-. PUEIHCTIOKS . —It was in the smoking-room- of a Cunard steamer that a worthy Teuton was recently talking about forecasts . " Look here , " said he , " I tell you vat id is . You petter don'd dake no shtock in dem weather bicdictions . Dose beoble don'd know nodings . Dey can't tell no petter as I can . " " But my dear sir , " said a person present , ' " they foretold the storm which * we have just encountered . " " Veil , dat ish so , " replied the German , contemplatively ; " but I told you vat it ish—dot shtorm vould have come yust the same if it had not peen bredicted . "

His OPINION . — " Yen some man slaps me on der shoulder , and say , ' I vas glad to hear you vas so veil , ' and den shtick pehind my pack his fingers to his nose , I haf my opinion of dat feller , '' said tSans excitedly to his companion . GERMAN INTERPRETATIONS . —A German gentleman at a party offered to explain tbe meaning of " love , " as shown by the letters contained in the word . He began by stating that in the German the word for it is " liebe , "

and that its five letters stand for " Lange irrung eines betrogenen esels " ( Anglice : Long mistake of a betrayed donkey ) , to which a lady , irritated by such a rude and uncomplimentary interpretation , replied that , reversing the order of the letters , the word implied " Elende beschreibung , eines impertinenten luemmels" ( Anglice : Miserable explanation by an impertinent fellow ) . The word in English being " love , " he interpreted its four letters as meaning " Labyrinth of vain expectations , '" to which the lady , again reversing the order of the letters , cleverly rejoined , " Explanation vile or ludicrous . "

MUTUAL .- —A German citizen approached the window of a bank , and requested that a cheque , payable to the order of Schweitzercase , be cashed . " Ja , dot's me , " he nodded reassuringly , in answer to the teller's look of inquiry . " But I don't . know that you are Mr . Schweitzercase ; you must get yourself identified , " said the teller . " How vas dot ? " asked the German citizen , with a puzzled , look . " You must get someone to identify you , to say that you are the right man , I don't know you , " repeated the clerk . " Ah , ja , " cried the other , much relieved , " Dot's all right , I don'd know you neider . "

A CURIOUS LITIGANT . — " I like to get some lawsuits . on a gang of young fellers , " was the answer of a Dutchman to the Chief of Police , who had requested to know his business . " What do you mean ? " the chief further questioned . " Vhell , I vhas shwindled und made some fools of . Vhen I thinks id all oafer , I am so madt dot I clean oudt my own saloon mit a glub . " " Do you want to enter a complaint ? " " Vhell , I should remarks ! I like to enter oafer forty complaints if I have a shance . I keep a saloon on

Street , und you may haf seen dot some Aldermans come to my place und vhas treated shust like princes . Id vas Saturday eafnings , und I vhas all alone . By und by some loafer comes in , but he vhant nodings . Pooty queek I haf six or seven shoost like him . Nopody wants no beer , nor pool , nor dominoes , unci I vhas madt . Vhell , by und by I asks if dot crowd expects me to pay rent mit such customers , und von loafer he say , ' Vhy don'd you sell beer by der new game ? ' So he tells me dot der new game vos for all

der gang to take a drink , und don I vhas to call in der dog from der backyard . Whichever loafer dot dog smells of first must pay for all . " " Quite funny , " interposed the chief . " Id vhas , eh ? I don'd see id . Sometimes I vhas tickled , but not now . All der loafers said id vhas shust like dey does in Nieu York und Boston , and so I go for der dog . " " And he didn't smell any of them , " added the chief . "No ! but vhy ? Because , vhen I vas gone after him all dise loafers shlip avhay like grease . If dot vhas der Nieu York

und Boston vhay , 1 vhas a fools 1 " " You can't do anything , " said the chief . "Can't I get some law-suits ? " "No . " "Can't I haf some loafers sent mit der vorkhouse ? " "No . " "Must I put up mit such schwindles like dot ? " " You must look out for the people . " " I vhas madt like a wet hen , " said the caller as he rose to go . " I tell you somedings , und

don'd you forget all aboudt it . I keep mine dog pehind der bar . By tomorrow some loafer come in und vhants to know if I sell beer by der Nieu York vhay . I let dot dog loose mit a shmile all oafer me , und vhen he shtops smelling of dot loafer , you may send some boleecemans to pick up der pieces I If a dog in der back-yard vhas Nieu York und Boston style , I improve on it mit some odder style of a dog pehind der bar . "

REPROVING HIM . — " Shon , mine son , " said a worthy German father to his hopeful heir ot ten years , whom he had overheard using profane language , " Shon , mine son , come here , und I vill dell you a leedle stories . Now , mine son , shall id be a drue stories , or a makesbleeve ? " " Oh , a true story , of course , " answered John . "Ferry veil , den . Dere vas vonce a goot , nice oldt shendlemans ( shoost about like me ) , und von day he heard his son schwearing , like a young fillain as he vas . So he vent to de vinkle ( corner ) ,

Teutonic Humour.

und took oudt a cowhides , shoost as I am doing now , und he dook der leedle blackguard by de collar ( dis vay , do you see ?) und wolloped him shoost so ! Und den , mine tear son , he bull his ears dis vay , und schmack his face dot vay , und dell him to go midout his supper , shoost as you vill do dis efenings . " FOUND AND LOST . — " I got me now blenty drouble , " said Hans to a sympathising friend . " Der oder day der came a knock ad der frond door , und ven I oben id , der fellow asked , ' Is der shendleman mit der house act

home ? '" " Ja , " I saidt , " I ish der chap . Vat you vants ? " Den he reblied , " I dink I know me your face . Didn'd yer haf a brudder vonce ? " " Ja , " I said , " I pin hadt a brudder . His name vas Beder , und he vas lost at sea . " "Vot ish your name ? " he asked . "Franz , " I reblied . " My dear brudder Franz , " he said , und he rushed in der hall , und got me auf der neck , und vas mighty glad und happy . Den he dold me dot he game from

der Ganibal Islands , und dot he had valked all der vay , und he vas tired und hungry . I find him plenty to eat und drink , und der vimmen fill der dable mit chellies , und conserves , und creen apple bies , und cakes , und efry dings vat ish goot , und Bete vas help himself . He had nodings to eat from der dime he left der islands—dot ' s vot he said , und I know id , for he vas eadin two hours .

Veil , after supper , I send me auf der prewery , und gets a keg of peer ; und Bete vas sid him in der pig arm chair , und tell all aboudt der Ganibals till twelve o ' clock . Den ve vent to ped , und mine tear brudder Bete und I shleep togeder . Veil , ven I vake me in der morning , der Bete vas gone . I feel in mine bocket , und mine bocket book vas gone ; den I look me on der

vail , und mine vatch vas gone . At once I vas see der whole thing righd avay through : some dief vas proke in der house , und shtole avay mine poor brudder Bete und efr , y ding vot vas vorth somedings . I vill give me now blenty reward auf I can find me who shdole avay der only brudder I vas efer had . "

THE DUTCHMAN BOTHERED . —A Dutchman let his lands to an oil company , on condition of receiving one-eighth of the oil produced . The well proved to be a pretty good one , and the farmer began to think that the oilmen ought to give him a better chance , and ventured to tell them so . He said he ought to get one-twelfth , so the agreement was finally made , with the

understanding that the Dutchman was not to tell anyone . All went smoothly until the next division day came , when he was early at hand to see how much better be would be off under his new bargain . Eleven barrels were rolled to one side for the oilmen , and one for him . This did not suit him . "How ' s dot ? " said he . "I dink I vas to get more as pefore . Py jinks , you make mistake !"

The matter was explained to him that he formerly got one barrel of every eight , but that it was his own proposition to take only one of every twelve . This revelation took him aback . He scratched his head , looked cross , and finally relieved his swelling breast of feelings of self-reproach by indignantly remarking , — "Veil , by dunder , dat ish de first time as ever I knowed eight vhas more as dwelve I " " Book of Rarities , " by EDWARD ROBERTS , P . M .

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GAIETYEESTAURANT, STIo-A-ItTID . LUNCHEONS ( HOT and COLD)—At Popular Prices , in BUFFET and EESTAUEANT ( on lst floor ) . Also Chops , Steaks , Joints , Entrees , & c , in the GEILL EOOM . AFTERNOON TEAConsisting of Tea or Coffee , Cut Bread and Butter , Jam , Cake , Pastry , ad lid , at 1 / - per head ; served from 4 till 6 in EESTAUEANT ( lst floor ) . DINNERS IN RESTAURANTFrom 5-30 till 9 at Fixed Prices ( 3 / 6 and 5 / - ) and a la Carte . it In this Eoom the Viennese Band performs from 6 to 8 . Smoking after 7-45 . AMERICAN BAR . THE GRILL ROOM is open till 12-30 . PEIVATE DINING EOOMS POE LAEGE AND SMALL PAETIES . SPIERS AND POND , Ltd ., Proprietors .