Epigrams.

EPIGRAMS .

( Continued from page 109 . )

THE following lines are from the pen of the Earl of Chesterfield , who , in his writings , more than once expresses contempt for the whole body of niarammatists . The subject was that of a full-length portrait of Beau Nash which had been placed in Wiltshire ' s Ball Room at Bath , between the busts of Newton and Pope .

A contrast . " Immortal Newton never spoke More truth than here you'll find . Nor Pope himself e'er penned a joke More cruel on mankind .

The picture , placed the busts between , Gives satire its full strength ; Wisdom and Wit are little seen , But Folly at full length . " Similar lines to these , with slight variation , are to be found in a volume of poems by Jane Brereton , published in 1744 .

Converted . On a commercial traveller , who left a shirt at an inn , and who wrote to the chambermaid to forward it to him by coach : — " I hope , dear sir , you'll not feel hurt , I'll frankly tell you all about it ; " "

I ' ve made a shift with your old shirt , And you must make a shift without it . "

Cookery . " Are these tho choice dishes the Doctor has sent us ? Is this the great poet whose works so content us ? This Goldsmith ' s fine feast , who has written fine books ? Heaven sends us good meat—but the devil sends cooks . "

Curtailing the week . It is said that the custom peculiar to tailors of taking their holiday on Monday , had its origin in the time of Oliver Cromwell . One of his generals ,

named Munday , committed suicide , and the Protector offered a reward for the most suitable epitaph commemorating the death of his friend . The successful competitor was a worthy son of Crispin , who gained the prize by the following epigram : —

" God bless the Lord Protector I And cursed be worldy pelf ; Tuesday shall begin the week Since Monday's hanged himself . "

Decapitating . An elderly gentleman named Page , having picked up the glove of a lady whom he greatly admired , and wishing to make her an offer , sent it to her with these lines : —

" If that from glove you take the letter G , Then glove is love , and that I send to thee . " . to which the lady returned the following reply : — " If that from Page you take the letter P , Then Page is age , and that won't do for me . "

Charles Dickens . The first work which the author of " Pickwick " produced , appeared as " Sketches by Boz , " and the pseudonym thus adopted gave rise to almost as much conjectural speculation as was caused by the letters of Junius , or the Waverley novels . Ultimately , however , Mr . Dickens himself explained the

matter in this manner : —"' Boz , ' my signature in the ' Morning Chronicle , ' was the nickname of a pet child , a younger brother , whom I had dubbed Moses , in honour of the Vicar of Wakefield ; which being facetiously pronounced through the nose became Boses , and being shortened , became

Boz . ' Boz' was a very familiar household word to me , long before I was an author , and so I came to adopt it . " " Who the dickens ' Boz' could be , Puzzled many a learned elf ; Till time unveiled the mystery ,

And ' Boz ' appeared as Dickens' self . " A difference . " Sir , I admit your general rule ,

That every poet is a fool ; But you yourself may serve to show it , That every fool is not a poet . " Dr . Swift , from the French of Scevole de Sainte-Marthe ( 1536-1650 ) .

A distinction . " Says Tom , who held great contracts of the nation , ' I've made ten thousand pounds by speculation . ' Cries Charles , ' by speculation I you deceive me ; Strike out the S indeed , and I'll believe thee . '"

On Doctor Empiric . " When men a dangerous disease did ' scape Of old , they gave a cock to Esculape ; Let me give two , that doubly am got free—From my disease ' s danger , and from thee . " Ben Jonson .

Dum Vivimus , Vivamus . The following lines by Dr . Doddridge are said by Dr . Samuel Johnson 'O constitute the finest epigram in the English language . " ' Live while you live , ' the epicure will say ,

' And seize tho pleasures of the passing day ; ' Live while you live , ' the hoary preacher cries , ' And give to God each moment as it flies . ' Lord , in my mind lot both united be : I live in pleasuro while I live to Thee . "

Epigrams.

On an Earthquake . Suggested by hearing of the desertion at Westminster Hall , at the time of the earthquake , 1750 : —

" You say , old Rufus' fabrio trembled , When earth her entrails shook ; And all the able hands assembled , The term-time work forsook .

'Twas wrong I they should have made a stand , And not have left their shops ; If law ' s the basis of the land Sure lawyers are the props , " Old Magazine .

Emblems . On an ill-favoured looking man , who had a family of beautiful children : " Scott and his children emblems are Of real good and evil : His children are like oherubims ,

But Scott is like the devil . " Ferguson . On an Epigram . " Tho qualities rare in a bee that we meet , In an epigram never should fail ;

The body should always be little and sweet , And a sting should be left in its tail . " Exaggeration . To a Mr . Wellwood , whose great failing was that oi exaggeration : —

" You double eaoh story you tell , You double each sight that you see : Your name ' s W , E , double L , W , double 0 , D . "

Ex Luce Lucellum . In April 1871 , the Right Hon . Robert Lowe , afterwards Viscount Sherbrooke , who has been irrevently termed " Mr . Gladstone ' s match-box Chancellor of the Exchequer , " proposed a tax on luoifer matches . Although the apparatus , stamp , & c , had been provided at very great cost to the

Government , the scheme had to be abandoned , because it was proved that it might interfere with the employment of children who had nothing else to do . The following impromptu was suggested by the announcement : — . " Lowe , full of fits and snatches , Would tax luoifer matches ;

For ' Roguery , ' says the song , Will' come to light' ere long . Far better Lowe , oppose The legalising those Deceased wife's sister catches , Well called 'Lucifer matches . '"

A wag suggested that Mr . Lowe should lay a tax upon photographs , and adopt as his motto , " Ex sole solatium . " The best Fee . " Fee-simple , and the simple fee , And all the fee in tail , Are nothing when compared with thee ,

Thou best of fees—fe-male . " Dr . Fell . Dr . John Fell , Canon and Dean of Christchurch , afterwards Bishop of

Oxford , was a learned prelate who died in 1686 . Tom Brown tells us that having been guilty of some grave fault at the University , the dean threatened to expel him . He asked to be forgiven , the dean agreeing to do this on condition that he at once translated , off hand , Martial ' s epigram : —

Non amo te , Sabidi , nee possum dicere quare ; Hoc tantum possum dicere , non amo te . Tom did so with the following result : — " I do not love you , Doctor

Fell—But why I cannot tell ; But this I know full well , I do not love you , Doctor Fell . " Subsequent interpretations of the lines are given more metrically than the above , which however are the original ones .

Flattering . James Smith , one of the authors of " Rejected Addresses " ( 1775—1839 ) , was very handsomely rewarded by Mr . Strahan , the king ' s printer , for the following happy lines upon his affliction—the gout . By an immediate codicil to his will , the wit became entitled to a sum of £ 3 , 000 .

" Your lower limbs seemed far from stout When last I saw you walk ; The cause I presently found out When you began to talk .

The power that props the body's length , In due proportion spread , In you mounts upwards , and the strength All settles in the head . "

On a Flower . ( Painted by Simon Varelst ) . " When famed Varelst this little wonder drew , Flora vouchsaf'd the growing work to view :

Finding the painter's science at a stand The Goddess snatched the pencil from his hand ; And , finishing the piece , she smiling said , ' Behold one work of mine which ne ' er shall fade I' "

Matthew Prior . Varelst was , towards the close of his life , placed under restraint as a madman . He called himself the god of flowers ; and on one occasion . went to Whitehall , stating that he desired to converse with the king ( Charles II . )