How Testimonials Used To Be Got Up.

HOW TESTIMONIALS USED TO BE GOT UP .

A Conversation . Timo : A long while ago ; say—a quarter of a century . Place : A long way off ; say —Mongonui , iu the far North . "A . " a Past Noble Grand of the Ancient Order of Free Carpenters ; and " Z . " a Past Noble Grand of the Independent Order of Free Joiners .

Z . Wh y , old fellow , what's amiss ? You look down upon your look ! A . Oh ! do I ? Well , no wonder ! You remember I told you I was working tbe testimonial racket ? Z , Yes ; I remember well enough . Did'nt it gee ? Didn ' t you get it up ?

A . Of course I got it up ; made a grand success of it , too . But I wish I had never touched the darned thing . ( With great beat ) I do hate ingratitude ' . Z . ( Soothingly ) Naturally . Well , old fellow , tell ua all about it . A . ( Confidentially ) So I will ; but ( dubiously ) we were all can . tioned by the Bight Wonderful Chief Jack Plane not to hold any

communication with you follows j not to nod to you in the Btreet ; and to return unopened any letters you might address to ns , unless you could assure us that there was nothing in them about Free Carpentry or Free Joinory . Z . Eh P Stop ! How on earth could we assure you about that if yon never opened our letters ?

A . ( Impatiently ) Ob , I don't know ; but those were the orders . We were also told that it was tho proper thing to seize all your tool baskets and tool chests , and convert them to onr own use . Z . That ' s rather Bhady morality , isn't it ? But tell UB your grievance . A . Well , you remember that pionio your folks had , when a lot of you

pitched into two of our noble cousins—the Bather Wonderful Pen and Penoil Bearers P Z . Remember ? I should think I do remember ! But mind you this , yonr precious Bather Wonderful Pen and Ponoil Bearers were not " pitched into" ( as you call it ) half enough . Didn ' t they put forth a set of plans and specifications that were so utterly wrong as to be

no better than a swindle ? And didn t one of these Rather Wonder fnl Pen and Pencil Bearers do all he knew to start our Independent Order of Free Joiners , and declare that he wanted to do away with the antiquated Free Carpenters ; and then , when he bad committed his cousins all round him to the new departure , didn't he in a most cowardly way back out , and return to the old set ? " Pitched into "

indeed ! I can tell you they were let off ! But I am interrupting yonr tale . Go on ! A . Well , soon after your picnic , the Somewhat Wonderful Chief Chisel came to me , and asked me if I wonld go round to all the Most Wonderful , the Bather Wonderful , and the Somewhat Wonderful Cousins , aud get them to sign a testimonial of respect to the two Pen

and Pencil Bearers that you folks had so terribly maligned . I replied that it wasn't good enough , for these two consins had done tbe very things they were charged with . Said he , " Pooh ! that was only done ' officially . ' You go round with the testimonial , and work it up well , as you know how , and it will be a good thing for you ; for you will get so much for every name appended . " " Ah ! " said I , " that's

a very different thing . Put it upon a business basis , and I ' m your man . " So ronnd I went , and got a lot of names . Some put their names down at once without reading ; others took a good deal of persuading . To some of these I would say , " Yon know it doesn ' t commit you to anything , and it will put money into my pooket . " That fetched them . Then I would say airily to another , " We are getting up a

little testimonial of respect to Bather Wonderful Cousins So-and-so ( keeping out all debatable matter , you twig P ) I suppose I may put your name down ? " " Oh ! I suppose so , " he would reply ; and so down went his name . I can tell you that there is a good deal of smartness wanted in the testimonial business . Z . ( Drily ) Evidently !

A . Well , would you believe it ? When the whole thing was over , and th « testimonial had been presented , and settling-up time came , the Somewhat Wonderful Chief Chisel knocked twenty-five per cent , discount off my bill ! Twenty-five per cent . ! Giving ns excuses that the affair had cost a lot of money , and that one of the Rather

Wonderful Cousins had bad to go round himself to cadge for signatures . I cau tell yon I have had enough of such a moan crowd . Tell you what : I'll come over to yonr folks , bless if I don ' t . 7 i . Hm ! I scarcely think that there would be HIIV room amongst ns for the oxeroise ' of your peculiar talentB . Bye-bye!—New Zealand Craftsman .

PERSONAL STATISTICS . —The oldest Cabinet Minister is Viscount Cranbrook , G . C S . I ., Lord President of the Council , aged 7 r >; the yonngest is the Right Hon . Arthur James Balfour , M . P ., Chief Secretary for Ireland , aged 42 . Tbe oldest Membor of Her Majesty ' s Privy Conncil is the Right Hon . Sir James Bar-on , Knt ., aged 92 ; the young st , the Duke of Portland , aged 83 . Trie oldpst Dake is the

Duke of Cleveland , K . G ., aged 87 j tbe youngest H . R . H . the Duke of Albany ( a minor ) , aged 6 . Tbe oldest Marqnis is the Marquis of Northampton K . G ., aged 72 ; the youngest , the Marqnis Camden ( a minor ) , aged 18 . The oldest Earl is the Eurl of Albemarle ( who is the oldest Peer of the realm ) , aged 91 ; tbe youngest is the Earl of Dalbonsie ( a minor ) , aged 12 . The oldest Viscount is Lord Arbutbuott , seed 81 ; the youngest VifCOunt Torrington ( a rniuoi ) ,

aged 4 . The oldest Ba-on is B * ron Ebnry , a « ed 8 !); the youngest , Lord O'Hagan ( a mimr ) , aged 12 . The oldest Member of thrt House of Commons is the Right lion . Charles Pelham Villiers , M . P . for the Sontbern Division of th « Borough of Wolverhampton , aged 89 ; the youngest , Lord Walter Charles Gordon-Lennox , M . F . for the Chichester Division of the county of Sussex , aged 25 . Tho oldest Judge iu England is tho Right Hon . Lord E ^ her , Master of the Rolls ,

How Testimonials Used To Be Got Up.

aged 75 ; the youngoit , tho Hon . Sir Arthur Charles , D . C . L ., of tha Queen ' s Benoh Division of the High Court , aged 52 . The oldest Judge in Ireland is the Hon . John Fitzileury Townsend , LL . D ., of the Court of Admiralty , aged SO ; the youngest , tho Rt . Hon . John Geo . Gibson , of the Queen ' s Bench Division , aged 45 . The oldest of the Scotch Lords of Session is tho Right Hon . John Inglis ( Lord

Glencorse ) , Lord Justice General , aged 80 ; the youngest , the Hon . Moir Tod Stormonth Darling ( Lord Stormonth Darling ) , aged 46 . Tho oldest Prelate of the Church of England is the Right Eev . Richard Durnford , D . D ., Lord Bishop of Chichester , aged 88 ; the youngest , tho Right Rev . Alfred George Edwards , D . D ., Lord Bishop of St . Asaph , aged 41 . Tbe oldest prelate of the Churoh of Ireland is

the Most Rev . Bobt . Beut Knox , DD ., Archbishop of Armagh and Primate of Ail Ireland , aged 83 ; the youngest , the Right Bev . Boberb Samuel Gregg , D . D ., Bishop of Cork , Cloyne , and Boss , aged 56 . The oldest Prelate of the Scotch Episcopal Church is the Bight Bev . Charles Wordsworth , D . D ., Bishop of St . Andrews , aged 84 ; the youngest , tbe Right Rev . James Robert A . Chinnery-EIaldane , Bishop

of Argyle and the Islos , aged 49 . The oldest Barouet is the Eev . Sir John Warren Hayes , of Newlands , Arbor field , Berks , aged 91 ; the youngest , Sir Stewkley F . Draycott Shuckburgh ( a minor ) , of Shuckburgh , Warwickshire , aged 10 . The oldest Knight is Sir Provo William Parry Wallis , G . C . B ., the senior Admiral of the Fleet , of Funtington House , near Chichester , aged 99 ; the youngest , Sir Henry Beyer Eobertson , of Pale , Merionethshire , aged 28 . — Who ' s Who in 1891 .

THE COMINO BACK . —The arrangements for tho Society Fete bearing this title in joint aid of ihe West End Hospital and of the Sohool of Massage , wbioh is to bo held in the Boyal Albert Hall are approaching completion . It has been decided to hold a Festival Dinner , to which ladies will be admitted . The Fete will be opened on 4 th March , for four days . The " Hall of Glaubs , " otherwise the

Cafe Chantant , will be undertaken by the Marchioness of Waterford . The Countess of Warwick and Lady Brassey have consented to assist at the Fete , also Lady Macdonald , Lady Isabella Keane , Lady Filmer , and numerous others already announced . The importance of the above charity may be estimated by the fact that the attendances of patients lest year exceeded by 2 , 600 that of any other Hospital for paralysis in Great Britain .

"GKNEKAI , INFOBMATION . —At a recent examination of sohoolboys for scholarships amounting to £ 200 , one of the papers was framed for the purpose of ascertaining the general knowledge of candidates , and the reading of some of tbe answers to the questions whioh had been set by the inspector caused much amusement . " Liberal" was described us a great many people trying to have Home Eule for

Iroland . Another wrote : Liberal and Conservative means that English people elect their members by colours—blue aud red . Blue moans Liberal , red Conservative . " Miss Florence Nightingale was described as " a lovely singer" ; another said she was " one of the most beautiful singers in the world , and was called the Swedish Nightingale ; Bhe died not long ago . " The School Board waa

described as " a nmon of schools , and people have to pay so much in the pound to keep it up . " Strikes were explained as " Men trying to rule their masters . " The Prime Minister of to-day was written aa " Gladstone , " and tbe Leader of the Opposition as " Mr . Parnell . " Of Lord Wolseley one wrote : "He was a Cardinal . He is now dead " j and another said : " He fought in the battle of Trafalgar . " It seems ,

therefore , that there is a real need for general information amongst the coming race who will rule the destinies of this country ; and perhaps the want is not confined to that section alone of Her Majesty ' s suljects . The new work which will make its appearance at the end of this month , under the title of " Cassell ' s Storehouse of General Information , " seems , therefore , opportune . It aims at being a

thoroughly reliable work on every branoh of " General Information , " writtpn by men who are practically acquaintpd with the subjeots of which they treat , fully illustrated with wood engravings , and furnished with maps and coloured plates . With Part I . ( ready 26 . h January ) will be given a series of Four large Coloured Plates , illustrating Botany , Goology , Physiology , aud Architecture .

" Devonians in London " are now becoming sneb a potent reality that they are seeking new worlds to conquer . One of tbe announcements made at the extremely succes ^ nl smoki'ig concert held the other right , and one that evoked unbounded enthusiasm , was that in which the chairman unfolded the plans of the future , embracing aa they do the formation of a Devonian Club , end also a project for a

Masonic Lodge . The club project has long been under consideration , bnt the Masonio Lodge is a new ides , and one , moreover , wbioh there will be but little difficulty in carrying onf . The men of Devon , when at borne , are strong Freemasons , and they ought to be able to form a very compact and useful Lodge in London . The policy of the Grand Lodge has been for some years to encourage tbe formation of

olaB ? , and what I may call community , Lodges—a policy , by tbe way , somewhat the reverse of that which was at one time pursued . If imitation bn , as wo are told , the si net-rest form cf flattery , Devonians in Londou may conr-idor thernfelves vory much flattered , for not only hue Coin wall followed in thtir wnk u , bnt the men of other counties are now talking of a similar organisation . —Bristol Times .

HOI . LOWWS OWTMRST ANn PILLS—As winter advances and tho weather becomes ruure and muo inrlcmntit and trying the earliest ovtrlet' « e * of illhcnUh must bo immediately clieck-ed nml removal , or a slight illness may result iu a serious malady . Relaxed and . sore throat , o , ui sey , influenza , chronic conch , bronch tis , and m st other pulmo ary n / lecrions will he ievcd this

re' by nibbing eo ' . hng Ointment into tho skin as nearly as practicable to the s-eat of mischief . This treatment , simple yet effective , is admirably adapted for tho removal of these diseases during infancy and youth . Old asthmatic invalids wil . derive M arvolli iw relief f " om the u-e of Hollowity ' s icmedics , which have wonderfully reliever ! maiiy such suffcrei *' aud re-established Ucaltu afiav every other ine ; ma had signally tailed