Two Old Men.

establishment , but is considerately thrown open to visitors from the outer world . Indeed , I am of opinion that thc majority of those who resort there o' nights have their meals elseAvhere . As a rule , they are staid old boys , who , having had their smoke and final " nig ht-cap " here , toddle straight off to bed , looking foi'Avard to a visit on the folloAving night . The night at Beak ' s is the SAA-oetness of existence , and the time occujiied elseAvhere a mere dreary interval .

Among the regular customers of Beak ' s Avas for many years an eccentric old bachelor called Upshall . He had long retired from a partnership in a country bank , and Avas reputed to bo enormously wealthy . His name certainl y appeared for good sums on a great many charity lists . Hc did not dine at Beak ' s , but at a French restaurant in Coventry-street . This jilace he left at 9 . 30 every evening , literally fighting his way Avith his umbrella through the ranks of the solicitous Traviatas who abound in these parts .

In appearance Mr . Upshall Avas exceedingly like Mr . Toole Avhen he is made up as Spriggins in "Ici on jiarle Francais . " He wore a heavy black-stock , and generally was attired as a Tory of the old school . On entering , his first performance Avas to draw his watch

from his pocket , and compare the time Avith Beak ' s clock . If there hajijiened to be a minute of difference between the two time-keepers , Bennett was summoned , and Beak ' s was denounced as on the doAvn-AViird road . Nor did Mr . Upshall whisper his complaints . He spoke in a harsh , metallic voice , whicii was audible all over the

room . " A man that can ' t keep time can ' t keeji anything , " he AA-ould say , in a reproachful way , to the polished Bennett . ' Their , in the most methodical method , he Avould deposit his umbrella , Avhich had just been brandished in the face of Phryne , on the table , then his hat . Next he would draw off his gloves , and

jilace them carefull y on the hat . Then he removed his spectacles , and deposited them in his hat , and then he sa , t down in the chair which Bennett had placed for him . and ordered a jiint of port and a p lato of biscuits . AVhen Bennett retired for the jiort , Mr . Upshall drew the Special Standard from the jiocket of his great coat , and , after an immense amount of folding and refolding , he would settle upon the passage which he wanted and pretended to read .

I say " pretended " advisedly , for the truth is the old man could not see to read a line Avithout his spectacles . But , like the children , he " made bclicA-c " to read . Sometimes he " made believe " to differ

with the gentlemen of the press whose opinions he wns sujiposcd to favour . He would mutter fiercely to the paper and shake his head at it , and even pretend to write notes on the margin Avith a pencil . These manifestations werc wont to occasion much amusement to the young and more ribald spirits at Beak's . But the old gentleman treated their hilarity with contempt , and went through the same performance night after ni ght to his OAVII intense satisfaction .

AVhen the waiter returned with the port the old gentleman Avould probably point to a painting of EA-C driven from Eden , which hung opposite . " That ' s a grand p icture , Bennett . " Yessir . "

"Do you knoAV why I like it , Bennett ' t " No , sir , " Bennett Avould reply , although he had heard the reason a hundred times . " It is because it SIIOAVS US AVoinan in the hour of her humiliation . " " Yessir . "

" She Avas a curse to man from the first aud she has been a curse to him ever since . Bah ! " From this it Avill be inferred that the banker AVUS an old bachelor and a niisogamist of a very determined type .

Bennett having escaped the old gentleman , would , Avith great precision and solemnity , jiour out si glass of wine , hold it to thc light with a wonderfully steady hand , " nose " it with the air of a connoisseur , and , wifch one eye closed , sip it gradually down with an expression of intense contentment . Then he would resume his panto-

Two Old Men.

mime -vvith the Evening Standard to the great wonderment of those AVIIO were not habitues of the place . So much for one of Beak's old gentlemen . The other was a man without eccentricities of attire . He had a clean shaved and benevolent face , and a lovely crop of white hair . His name AVUS Betterton , and he Avas a retired barrister , AVIIO had made a fortune out of his practice . And he repaired to Beak ' s

eA-ery nig ht , where he had two glasses of hot whiskey . AVhile engaged in assimilating this generous liquor , Mr . Betterton Avas evidently engaged with reminiscences which must have been of a pleasant and even amusing kind , for he constantly shut his old eyes and laughed so heartily . to himself that sometimes he seemed in danger of bursting a blood-vessel . This amiable weakness did not attract so much attention as the more erratic proceedings of the banker , still , the good hiAvyer was the subject of comment .

Regular customers have their regular jilaces at Beak s , so these two old men had never been brought into contact , for , whereas the lawyer came early , and took a corner at the far end of the apartment , Ujishall arrived late , and took a seat at a table nexfc the door . It happened , however , that during one cattle SIIOAV Aveek , when Mr . Betterton , the lawyer , arrived on the scene , his place was occupied

by some beaming bucolic , loud of \ -oice , and redolent of the low-byre , so he was forced to seek another resting place ; and this happened to be a scat right opposite the one occupied by the niisogamist . He ordered his grog , and began presently to chuckle to himself . Presently Upshall entered , flushed from another encounter " with the nymjihs , " in anything but an amiable mood .

He ordered his usual refreshment , and then commenced his pantomime with " our esteemed evening contemporary . " Having made one of his marginal notes , he raised his bead , and , looking opposite , he saAv another gentleman laughing at him . He hid himself behind the broad sheet and peeped at his opposite neighbour over the top of it and round the sides thereof . Of this there could be no doubt about it . The old man AVUS mocking him . The blood of the Upshalls was roused .

Afc this juncture Bennett arrived . The banker placed his paper on the table and , jiointing at the lawyer , enquired in a voice audible a street

off" AVhat is the name of fchat old fool ? " "Sir !" "Don't sir me ! " exclaimed Mr . Ujishall , brandishing his umbrella as he did outside , " you Barbary ajie , you laughing hyania , you grinning donkey ! "

Betterton had risen astonished , and quite unconscious of having g iven offence . But , when he found his opponent apparently gone raving mad , brandishing a weapon , and calling him all the opprobrious names that he could lay his tongue to , his sense of the fitness of things was outraged , antl he walked quietl y uj ) to the irate banker and knocked him down .

It was not a bloAv . He simply jiushed him , and Upshall fell into a sitting posture on the floor , unable to rise , and looking around in a way that AA-ould have been pitiful had it not been so intensely comic . " Assist the maniac to rise , " exclaimed the barrister , and , when the fuming little man had been raised to his feet , his assaulter

said" NOAV , sir , if yon be a gentleman you AVIJI apologise . " " See—you—dam—first , " replied Upshall , all in a breath . " Then yon are no gentleman , " observed Betterton . " Waiter , get my hat , " and , having received that article of attire , he strode out of the place , his discomfitted opponent muttering incoherent threats . He ordered another jiint of port , and that night it took tAvo waiters to help him to the cab .

lu all the respectable annals of Beak ' s house , nothing so exciting had ever before occurred . For weeks after the habitues talked of nothing else , and those who had witnessed the scene could not recall it without immoderate laughter . For they don ' t often have a joke at Beak ' s , and when they do they make the most of it .

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