Lucy Matilda Jane.

as I can , as my friend Professor Von Exelheim says , smoking his long pipe and sipping schnapps , ' This greatl y to be deprecated position of affairs . ' " But I have always felt , Tomlinson , as a man and a Briton , that I was both

master in my own house and head of my family , " continued Wapshott , addressing me earnestl y ; "and the other day , as you will remember , my friend , I asserted my rights and my position in a most masterly way . "

I thought I did remember very well , indeed ; too well to please me , in fact ; hut T made no reply , and he continued his oration .

" You will bear me witness , Tomlinson , I am sure , " he proceeded to say , " how completely for once I upset my wife's arrangements and calculations . " Here he paused for a reply , but I still held my tongue , nodding to him affirmatively with

my head , though I too truly called to mind how the great idiot , as I thought him , had ' upset the apple cart , ' and spoilt a good dinner ; and more even than this , I had a lugubrious reminiscence how that infatuated man ' s interference on that special occasion

had blighted my own tender hopes and asjnrations . For I may as well let my readers into a secret . I had myself a very great admiration of the "fraicheur" and " naivete" of " Lucy Matilda Jane . " I will not say that I was " spooney , " but I was very near ; her good looks had made a

deep impression on my antique heart , and the little gipsy knew it , ( all women always do find it out ) , and just from time to time gave me enough encouragement , ( when her odious Philip wasn't by , ) to make me believe that she had a little

interest in myself , an elderl y , stout , middle-aged gentleman , with spectacles and a limping leg . All this floated over my vision while Wapshott took breath , and you must accept it , as the French say , " en parenthese . "

But , turning to me , and taking hold of a button of my coat , Wapshott recommenced his vivid flow of words , ignoring my painful retrospect and my suppressed sulkiness : " I did it well , old boy , didn't 11 You remember how I said to Mrs . Wapshott , ' Mrs . Wapshott , as our party is assembled , I think we had better arrange the table .

Nothing adds so much to a good dinner as a well-arranged dinner party . ' T said this because Mrs . Wapshott and those girls had actually arranged that the five adorers should sit by the five adored ones . "' Spoons , spoons , spoons , ' as old Tommy

Walker remarked . " It is most important , I continued , that the right people should sit next the right people , and all that sort of thing . " 'Wapshott , ' she replied , tartly , if you remember the scene , as I don't doubt you

do , [ didn't I , that's all ] , ' leave all such matters to me , if you please .- My grandmother always arranged dinner parties admirably , and I have inherited her talent . Do be quiet , and mind your own business . Take out Mrs . Mulgrubberand make

, yourself very agreeable to her , while I try to do the same , if I can , to that brute her husband . ' She said this , of course , ' sotto voce . ' But I was not to be so beaten . I

was very hurt , but I felt , as the tmmortal Nelson once observed , as the " superior being , " I was expected 'to do my duty . ' " So I waited calmly for my hour of self-assertion , saying to myself , ' For once , Mrs Wapshott , I will be lord and master here . '

" Dinner was announced , You remember , Tomlinson , don't yon , how , to Mrs . Wapshott's startled consternation , I said out loudly and clearly and composedly , Mr . Gubbins ( that was the solicitor ) , take out Maria . ' Henrietta and Maria , and Mr . Gubbins and Mr . Langthorne looked

miserable . 'Mr . Langthorne , take out Kitty . ' Kitty and Mr . Bumpstead looked at me ferociously . ' Mr . Bumpstead , take out Henrietta ; Mr . Johnson , take out Laura ; and Tomlinson , take out Lucy Matilda Jane . '

" The poor curate being thus left out in the cold , and having thus separated the turtle-doves , they all followed silently and dumfouncled into the dining-room . " I had hardly taken my seat or said grace before I heard Mrs . Wapshott say

out loud to Mulgrubber , 'Now , we will see how you gentlemen can arrange a dinner party , ' and that infamous fellow had the audacity before my very eyes , to say with a simper to my wife , 'No one ever arranged a dinner like you , Mrs . Wapshott ; not even my angel , Caroline , there . '