A Speech By Mark Twain.

A SPEECH BY MARK TWAIN .

At the dinner of the Massachusetts Press Association , on Monday , after Canon Kingsley ' s speech , Mark Twain was called on . Ho said ho was not prepared to make an extempore speech and had never sung a song , so he would tell an anecdote , as follows :

" "When I was crossing over from England the other day , there was a youth on board about 1 G years old , whose nationality I will not expose , who occupied his entire time eating , when there was anything to eat , and thinking about the next meal

between times . ( Laughter . ) I don't say he put his mind to it , for ho did't seem to have any mind . When sent out from the table he used to go up into the smoking cabin , and lie around there asking foolish questions . This boy never asked a

question in tho whole voyage that indicated the presence of knowledge of any kind whatever , and ho came to bo a perfect nuisance to everybody , and wo tried all possible ways of crushing him and making him stop asking these questions . But , as I said , Canon Kingsley reminds me of one occasion when 1 came up into the smokingroom in very ill humour—not the humour

a man ought to be in to listen patiently to silly questions . The question the boy began with was aggravating , because anybody knows that the first place a man goes to when ho reaches London is Westminster Abbey , and tho next place is Shakespeare ' s

burial ground ; and that this boy should ask me , deliberately and with such innocence about him as ho had , if , when I was iu London , I went to Westminster Abbey That is enough to make a man frantic . I said , ' What was it yon said 1 ' ' When

you were in London , were , you at Westminster Abbey ? ' 'No , 'I . said . 'I stopped at Langham ' s Hotel . ' ( Laughter . ) 'But , ' he said , 'it is not a hotel ' ( Laughter . ) 'Well , ' I said , ' what is it ?' ' Whyit is a church , ' I said' A minute

, , ago you said it was an abbey . ' ' Well , ' he said , ' it is an abbey and a church too . ' I said , ' I don't know about that . You appear to be getting confused in your

statement ; how can it bo an abbey and a church at the same time ! ' ( Laughter . ) " Another gentleman was sitting there , whose nationality I will not mention , who said it was perfectly true that an abbey and tho church wore tho same thing . I said I was much obliged to him ( laughter ) ,

and asked him : 'Where is this placethis church ; is it in London V ' Oh yes !' he says , ' of course it is in London 1 You know where the Parliament buildings are V ' Is it part of the Parliament 1 ' ' No , ' said he . ' What has Parliament got to do with

it V I asked . ' It has not got anything to do with it ; the abbey is close by it . ' Said I , 'Do you know how far Westminster Abbey is from Langham's Hotel , whore I lived 1 ' He said , ' I suppose you know it is some distance . ' ' Five or six

miles , ' he said . ' But , ' said I , ' didn ' t yon suppose I knew better than to get up early in the morning and travel five or six niiles to church , when there were plenty of churches all around ? ' He said , ' I didn't expect you to go to church . ' Said I , ' What did you expect me to do V Ho said , ' Look at the monuments and things ; monuments of everybody that has done

anything , and is dead , their bodies are buried there . ' I said , ' Do you mean to say that they actually take up the planks and bury men under the floor 1 " He said there was no planks there . I said , ' Do they bury them right under their scats 1 ' He said' Of course they do . ' Said I' Is

, , that healthy 1 ' ( Laughter . ) 'Well , ' he said , ' I don't know whether it was healthy or not ; they do it in all the churches . ' I said it was a curious custom ; I had never beard of anything like it . If any of my friends wore in Westminster Abbey I

should not want people sitting around on their tombstones . ' ( Laughter . ) He said , ' you didn't hear the Canon , then ? " 'I don't remember , ' said I ; 'I am a man of peace , and don't know anything about artillery , anyway . ' ( Laughter and

applause . ) By this time the boy had not yet waked up , but the rest of the company which had gathered around had , and soon stopped the fun . As there is no moral to tho anecdote , I won't attempt to jmt any to it . But , as I saidin the absence of

, having a speech to make to you , I thought I would simply tell an anecdote in honour of Canon Kingsley . " , —Philadel phia Keystone .