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Article A QUEER CAREER. ← Page 8 of 13 →
Note: This text has been automatically extracted via Optical Character Recognition (OCR) software.
A Queer Career.
not Dis-respeetably dressed—I remember his surtout was well brushed , and tightly buttoned—rather shiny , it is true—but his hat was resplendent , and he wore trowsers straps . He had a way of addressing his audience , particularly the fairer sex , which was , I should say , inimitable . Under his rig ht arm he carried a sheaf of sealed envelopes . In his left hand he displayed a bundle of straw . Selecting a stalk from the latter , and " fixing " the ladies with an irresistible smile , he began , —
" You must understand that I am not what I seem ! Under a homely disguise you behold a desseminator of human knowledge . The schoolmaster is not abroad . No ! no !! He is at home ! In your midst ! The deepest problems of human philosophythe ethics of Plato— -the propositions of Aristotle , are contained in these sealed packets , dealing with the deepest mysteries , the profoundest subjects of human speculation—but I am not allowed to sell them . No . I appear in the character of a universal benefactor .
I g ive them away . Any purchaser of a straw for the modest sum of one penny becomes the happy possessor of the digested philosophy of the sages of all ages . I say—THE SAGES OF ALL AGES ! The nature of the communication may be conjectured when I inform you " ( looking frowningly and lowering his voice ) " that I am forbidden to take money for a straw from any young person under the age of sixteen , and that I may not sell two straws to any one individual . "
A perky looky gamin , of about twelve , turned up here and proffered his penny . Mr . Mole scrutinised him closely , and questioned him solemnly and severely . The boy protesting to being above sixteen—he would have sworn to six-and-twenty with equal complacency—the proffered coin was taken , and a straw ami packet given in return . The vendor was doing a roaring trade—especially among the females—when the urchin burst his way in through the mob , and displayed the open encasement and a
flimsylooking document drawn therefrom . " Ere , I say , mister , " he roared iu a rage , " wot d ' ye call this ' ere ? " The paper , evidently of the date of some one-and-twenty years before , when the first reform agitation was convulsing the land , purported to be an outfitter ' s circular , and was an appeal from Messrs . Douclney , of Lombard Street , to " reform your tailor ' s bills !" l ZZ In those days , dear reader—I am speaking of more than a quarter of a century
ago—certain of the youth of this metropolis were in the habit of resorting on Sundays and holidays to the marine retreat of Gravesend , there to partake of shrimps , and perchance indulge in flirtation . The then usual mode of resort to this fashionable watering-juace was by the course of the Thames—the " Star " and "Diamond " companies did a roaring business in rivalry with one another—and I believe friendships have been ruptured , matrimonial engagements broken off , and families severed , over discussions as to the relative merits of the "Terrace" and "Town" piers , the respective terminii of the rival boats .
I was one Monday on board the " Mars , " bound for the port to which this fast packet traded , when I found myself absorbed in contemplation of a fearful and wonderful little . creature that sat on one of the steps of the paddlebox . He was almost hidden behind the prodigious flaps of the sheets of yesterday's Bell's Life . Projecting from either side of that document were the fringed ends of the most wonderful Joinville tie I ever saw . Above the print appeared the crown of an enormous " tile . " By the side
of the atomy stood the smallest bottle and the largest glass I ever saw in combination , with more creamy froth overflowing both vessels than I ever beheld issue from Guinness ' s brew . The breeze causing him a temporary difficulty with his literature , he displayed more of his portentous get up ; . but I will not expatiate upon the cheeseplate buttons adorning his drab coat , because I was wholly engrossed with the magnitude of his cigar , which was a trifle smaller than the mainyard of the " Agamemnon" ( 124
guns ) , then recently launched . I was , I say , absorbed in contemplating this puny phenomenon when I became sensible of a titter in my rear . All at once I felt myself touched on the arm , aud a modest gentlemanly-bolting man quietly placed before me a—a—silhouette . Do you remember those horrible sticking-plaster things they used to cut out with scissors and call profile portraits ? "Like sir—isn't it ? " the wretch enquired—horribl y
Note: This text has been automatically extracted via Optical Character Recognition (OCR) software.
A Queer Career.
not Dis-respeetably dressed—I remember his surtout was well brushed , and tightly buttoned—rather shiny , it is true—but his hat was resplendent , and he wore trowsers straps . He had a way of addressing his audience , particularly the fairer sex , which was , I should say , inimitable . Under his rig ht arm he carried a sheaf of sealed envelopes . In his left hand he displayed a bundle of straw . Selecting a stalk from the latter , and " fixing " the ladies with an irresistible smile , he began , —
" You must understand that I am not what I seem ! Under a homely disguise you behold a desseminator of human knowledge . The schoolmaster is not abroad . No ! no !! He is at home ! In your midst ! The deepest problems of human philosophythe ethics of Plato— -the propositions of Aristotle , are contained in these sealed packets , dealing with the deepest mysteries , the profoundest subjects of human speculation—but I am not allowed to sell them . No . I appear in the character of a universal benefactor .
I g ive them away . Any purchaser of a straw for the modest sum of one penny becomes the happy possessor of the digested philosophy of the sages of all ages . I say—THE SAGES OF ALL AGES ! The nature of the communication may be conjectured when I inform you " ( looking frowningly and lowering his voice ) " that I am forbidden to take money for a straw from any young person under the age of sixteen , and that I may not sell two straws to any one individual . "
A perky looky gamin , of about twelve , turned up here and proffered his penny . Mr . Mole scrutinised him closely , and questioned him solemnly and severely . The boy protesting to being above sixteen—he would have sworn to six-and-twenty with equal complacency—the proffered coin was taken , and a straw ami packet given in return . The vendor was doing a roaring trade—especially among the females—when the urchin burst his way in through the mob , and displayed the open encasement and a
flimsylooking document drawn therefrom . " Ere , I say , mister , " he roared iu a rage , " wot d ' ye call this ' ere ? " The paper , evidently of the date of some one-and-twenty years before , when the first reform agitation was convulsing the land , purported to be an outfitter ' s circular , and was an appeal from Messrs . Douclney , of Lombard Street , to " reform your tailor ' s bills !" l ZZ In those days , dear reader—I am speaking of more than a quarter of a century
ago—certain of the youth of this metropolis were in the habit of resorting on Sundays and holidays to the marine retreat of Gravesend , there to partake of shrimps , and perchance indulge in flirtation . The then usual mode of resort to this fashionable watering-juace was by the course of the Thames—the " Star " and "Diamond " companies did a roaring business in rivalry with one another—and I believe friendships have been ruptured , matrimonial engagements broken off , and families severed , over discussions as to the relative merits of the "Terrace" and "Town" piers , the respective terminii of the rival boats .
I was one Monday on board the " Mars , " bound for the port to which this fast packet traded , when I found myself absorbed in contemplation of a fearful and wonderful little . creature that sat on one of the steps of the paddlebox . He was almost hidden behind the prodigious flaps of the sheets of yesterday's Bell's Life . Projecting from either side of that document were the fringed ends of the most wonderful Joinville tie I ever saw . Above the print appeared the crown of an enormous " tile . " By the side
of the atomy stood the smallest bottle and the largest glass I ever saw in combination , with more creamy froth overflowing both vessels than I ever beheld issue from Guinness ' s brew . The breeze causing him a temporary difficulty with his literature , he displayed more of his portentous get up ; . but I will not expatiate upon the cheeseplate buttons adorning his drab coat , because I was wholly engrossed with the magnitude of his cigar , which was a trifle smaller than the mainyard of the " Agamemnon" ( 124
guns ) , then recently launched . I was , I say , absorbed in contemplating this puny phenomenon when I became sensible of a titter in my rear . All at once I felt myself touched on the arm , aud a modest gentlemanly-bolting man quietly placed before me a—a—silhouette . Do you remember those horrible sticking-plaster things they used to cut out with scissors and call profile portraits ? "Like sir—isn't it ? " the wretch enquired—horribl y